ONE DEEP TRAUMATIC NIGHT IN 1998, GOD TOLD ME: IT IS NOT ABOUT YOUR MEN, IT IS ABOUT YOU

Those words and the Presence of God was like an Atomic Bomb went off inside my body, like an explosion inside every cell, shattering every limitation inside them to give space to the massive light that activated their long suppressed clarity about The Truth Itself that has been there, “hidden” from the first Creation of Creation Itself.

THE LIGHT and the FORCE was INDESCRIBABLE. ABSOLUTELY Everything I AM was suddenly available to me, THE LIGHT WAS INDESCRIBABLE, GOD WAS INDESCRIBABLE.
It was like I was standing alone on an Enormous Soccer field and Millions of Lights was turned on and I GOT IT! I SO GOT IT! I SO UNDERSTOOD, YES, IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME. WHAT I AM. WHO I AM. Not only did I see the LIGHT for What It Was, I Saw it was GOD CONSCIOUSNESS, and This CONSCIOUSNESS COMMUNICATED TO ME IN THE SAME WAY LIFE FORCE ITSELF COMMUNICATE WITH ME AND MY BODY CONSTANTLY. Not only DID I SEE THAT THIS LIFE FORCE IS ME, BUT I SAW AND FELT THAT THIS FORCE IS GOD AND THAT GOD AND I AM THE SAME. OH MY GOD DID I FEEL IT! I WAS SO FORCED TO LISTEN. REALLY LISTEN LIKE NEVER BEFORE. I WAS SO FORCED TO SEE, REALLY LOOK AT EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE AND WHO I AM, WHAT I AM, AND WHAT I AM HERE FOR.

There was no #metoo anymore, long before the #metoo movement was created, I saw that Blaming men in my life, including my Father, was not true any more, it only took me “away” from the Truth about Who I Am. BY BLAMING, BY BEING A VICTIM, I DENIED THE LIGHT, I DENIED MY OWN POWER, I DENIED THE LIFE FORCE I AM, I DENIED THE BRILLIANT BEAUTY I AM, THE RAW TRUTH THAT REVEALS THE ABSOLUTE CLARITY, I DENIED THE POWER OF MY TRUE NATURE.

There was no Hiding Places, my inner DEMONS WERE EXPOSED, I was totally Naked in front of Gods Spotlight. OH MY GOD WAS I EXPOSED. Every LIE I had told myself about my Life was burning Bright. I WAS ON FIRE. Absolutely Everything was Lit by This Light. Absolutely everything I had tried to hide, suppress and deny was exposed. OH MY GOD WAS IT EXPOSED! EVERYTHING WAS TRANSPARENT. OH MY GOD THE POWER OF THIS LIGHT!

THIS LIGHT HAD TO FORCE ME OPEN SO I COULD FULLY GRASP AND UNDERSTAND THE DEEPEST HIDDEN TRUTH, THAT MY OWN DARKNESS WAS NEVER ABOUT MY MEN AND THEIR ABUSE.

My Own Darkness, This Light and The Life Force, was never Separated from My Lies. My Own Lies, My Wounds, My Traumas, Was Also Held by this Light. I was the one that had Suppressed and Denied this Light, because my Unbearable Fears had made me fear Everything.

I had to See and Fully Understand Through This Light that EVERYTHING DARK, WAS THE TRUTH DENIED. EVERY LIE WAS FREEDOM DENIED, THAT EVERY SHAMEFUL FEELING, EVERY HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND THOUGHT WAS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE DENIED.

Absolutely Everything that I had feared, denied, judged, run away from, had always taken place INSIDE THIS LIGHT AND THIS LOVE AND THIS FREEDOM.
THIS LIFE DEMANDED ME TO INTEGRATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MY HUMAN SHAME, AND TO LOVE IT, SO I COULD NOT ONLY SEE AND FEEL THIS, BUT FINALLY LIVE THE TRUTH ABOUT LIFE AND ALL THAT I AM. I WAS TOLD: “THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE HERE FOR, THAT IS WHY IT IS NOT ABOUT YOUR MEN, BUT ABOUT YOU!”

THERE WAS NO #METOO, THERE HAS NEVER BEEN AND WILL NEVER BE A “METOO” AGAIN WHEN WE FULLY GRASP THAT WE ARE GOD, AND THAT WE HAVE NEVER NOT BEEN GOD.

THAT DOES NOT MEAN I DON’T HOLD THESE MEN RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ABUSE, EITHER EMOTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL, PHYSICAL OR SEXUAL, BUT BLAMING THEM WAS NO LONGER AN OPTION. THEY HAD PLAYED THEIR ROLE, AND THEY HAD PLAYED IT, OH SOOO GOOOD. THEY WERE NO LONGER MEN IN MY EYES, BUT LIFE ITSELF.

I HAD NEVER BEEN ALONE IN MY LIES AND MY SHAME, I HAD NEVER BEEN ALONE IN WANTING MY LIFE EXPERIENCES. I HAD NEVER BEEN SEPARATED FROM THE LIGHT WHEN IN MY DARKEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.

I WAS NEVER IN MY SELF HATE, FEARS, ANXIETY, PANIC, CHAOS, NOT HELD IN THIS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. EXACTLY IN THE MOMENT GOD SAID, “IT IS NOT ABOUT YOUR MEN, IT IS ABOUT YOU!” I UNDERSTOOD THAT I HAD TO BE SHOCKED OPEN TO SEE IT ALL AND THE TRUTH IN THOSE WORDS.

I REMEMBERED ALL AGAIN BY THIS LIGHT AND FEEL THIS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE BY GODS PRESENCE AND THE POWER OF CLARITY THAT SHATTERED EVERYTHING FOR ME, BECAUSE I HAD BEEN TOO AFRAID, TO STUBBORN TOO LONG.

INSIDE ALL OF THIS, MY “JOURNEY” INTO TOTAL TRANSFORMATION STARTED AND EVERY BRIDGE WAS BURNED DOWN BEHIND ME. THIS IS THE POWER OF GODS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
There exists no #METOO in this Love, The Force, The Light and The Truth is too Powerful, the victim is non existent, ONLY THE POWER OF ABSOLUTE FREEDOM.
I REALIZED I HAD ALWAYS BEEN FIGHTING FOR THAT FREEDOM IN ABSOLUTELY EVERY RELATIONSHIP I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE.

YEARS LATER IN MY CANCER EXPERIENCE I WAS SHOWN THAT THIS FREEDOM IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, AND I FULLY GOT IT, WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY CHEEKS, THAT NOBODY, INCLUDING MYSELF, HAVE NEVER LOVED ANYONE FULLY. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN THIS LOVE AND THIS FREEDOM IS DENIED. IN THE ABSENCE OF THIS FREEDOM LOVE IS ALSO DISTORTED, CONTORDED AND MISREPRESENTED.

THIS LIGHT HAD TO SHATTER EVERY LIE, PENETRATE ME AND OPEN ME UP AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING I HAD TO FEEL AGAIN.

I had to take responsibility to Love Unconditional again, Life Itself, because it was no longer time to continue Living the same Lies about my Self and the Lies I had created about My Life that I had tried to Hide Under. I was Told; My Life Purpose is about Love It All, Unconditional and Integrate Life, All – That – Is. To Inhale all that is Raw, that is Wild and Untamed. Every Clarity that Shattered the Illusions that before would make me want to go back to sleep. To Integrate Love Itself and the Unbelievable Beauty of my Divine Sovereignty.

I have one Prayer I say every Morning and Night; “THANK YOU GOD FOR FILLING ME WITH YOU!” But this is not about having and staying in The Highest Light and only feel the Divine Bliss, To Constant Pray for Staying High On Divine Perfection, but it is about Never Denying the Aliveness of Life Itself in Its Fullest. It is about filling me with all that is, all that I, as a human have run away from, All That God Is, All That God want to Experience Through Me as Me.

It was years that I wanted only the Light in its Purest Essence.
It was years I only wanted the kind of Love that didn’t challenge my belief systems, my concepts and the victim in me.
It was years I only wanted to be held and cuddled like a new born baby.
It was years I only wanted to go with the flow but no rough ragged edges.
It was years I only wanted money to take me away from fears and struggles.
It was years I only wanted feeling safe, and not be afraid but feel that God protected me from Life’s uncertainties, and unpredictable, unstable unknown terrain.
It was years I wanted to keep the Spirituality that took me away from Feeling All of It.
It was years I only wanted to be held so high that my bare feet never touched the ice cold ground again, because I was too afraid to breathe because an enormous need to control Life and because I was in to much panic of dying if I did not manage this life’s darkness I blamed my men for.