I hear and read about parents who say they want their children to be happy, they say it means the world for them, they want nothing else but their children to be happy and safe, so they tell them what is best for them, what will make them happy and stay happy and feel safe with the right choices. Parents get angry, stressed and fearful and wonder what they have done wrong when their children is unhappy, angry, sad, cry, or unsatisfied.
For many years I wanted the same for my children. Did the same, unaware that it was abuse that was going on beneath those demands. Not knowing the burden I lay upon their shoulders. Not knowing that I used them to make me feel safe, not knowing that I needed them to need me and not grow up.
When I started on my “process of diving deep into my own abyss and transform my dysfunctional false self” it was impossible to not question my own motherhood, when I started to dive deep into my own dark childhood with brutality and abuse and heal my own wounded inner child I was exposed to what I had done to my own children, because it is impossible to deny and suppress that seeing when my willingness was to completely know the truth and reveal my own abuse to my own children when I understood that my dysfunctional behavior always was rooted in my inner fearful and wounded child.
This process took me years to uncover and unfuck my own narcissistic behavior. And in this opening process I saw that In this; wanting them to be happy I revealed a narcissistic, angry, hateful part of me that actually demanded my children to make me happy so I diden`t have to look deeper and take fully responsibility for my dysfunctional self.
I wanted them to see me and in the end take care of me so I could relax, feel safe that I was a good parent. I diden`t allow them to fully express their feelings and anger towards me when they failed to not make me happy and safe all the time by being happy themselves. I told them to do the right choices, be loyal to my needs for having children that presented a good image that they was happy and I was The Good Mother, that I was successful in my charade as a good mother that did everything good. I wanted them to tell me that I was flawless and I demanded them to make me look that way by being happy.
I diden`t know that this behavior was abuse, because it was so deep hidden, buried beneath my enormous love for them and that I also really wanted them to be happy, I really wanted them to see that I was willing to do absolute everything for them, to experience that they worthy to invest my time and money on them, to really feel that they was never a burden and that I truly loved being their mom. My enormous love was in those wanting`s, I wanted to give them the entire Kingdom ( without the king ) so they never had to worry about anything.
I didnen`t know that they was almost never allowed to be unhappy, to be unsatisfied, if they complained about something that was not what they wanted I got angry and throw at them fireballs of accusations like; “why can you never be happy when I do everything in my power to make you happy!?” ……. I am willing to go through fire and storms, to drown and get back again just to get you everything you want almost all the time, and this is the way you show me your thankfulness!?”…….” how can you be so ungrateful!?” ….. “how can you be so selfish, so egoistic and let me down and embarrass me like that!?”….Why do you get upset when I take you to a fancy restaurant or to the shopping mal!?”….. How could you not like the dress I bought you when I paid a fortune for it?!?”
I decided one day to stop it all, after fully see in my own process what kind of Mother I had been beneath all my struggle to be perfect to sit down with my two daughters a whole week – end have a true love conversation like never before. I said; “this week – end we are going to sit down together, no phones is allowed, no tv, we are going to use this whole week-end and you both are going to tell me with total honesty, total openness and without fear, tell me how it has been for you to grow up with me as a mother. I want you to be absolutely sure; I will Listen! Listen like I have never done before, I will not interrupt, I want you to be absolutely clear about this; I will not defend myself, I will not be angry, or sad, disappointed or cry, I want you both to know and believe that you have never hurt me, I will not in any shape or form allowing you to to carry those lies anymore. I am fully responsible for my own feelings and this week-end it all ends.
I can no longer call myself a mother, I have no right , do not deserve calling myself a mother until this is done, and you have said everything you need to say, must say, have to say to me here and now, I want you to be absolute clear and fully understand that you was never responsible for what I have said, done, expressed that caused fear, made you confused and the feelings of not been seen, not enough or worthy enough because of my ignorance and dysfunctional behavior. The rightful sorrow, grief, rage, anger and fears in you is from now one going to be given space, all the time you need to express it all and my unconditional love.
You was never meant to take care of me, and I want you to know that I am strong enough, powerful enough to take care of you and at the same time safe enough in myself to give you the space to be you and have your own unique experiences. I will always be there for you, not because you are weak or will not make it in the world, but because you are powerful yourself and also strong enough to seek advice and tell me when you are in pain or in fear and know that that is ok, it is ok to have all these human feelings and it is vital to express them! It is nothing wrong with you or your life if you are not happy all the time. You are here to make your own choices and experiences and have different thoughts and feelings about them, but never stop make your own experiences and choices. That week – end we all cried, we laughed, we had good food, we talked, and talked, they talked, and talked and they told me and I listen and when it was triggers I knew that it was my responsibility and that it was places in me I had to heal, to work with, to dive deeper and to feel fully what I had done to them because I was way to afraid to let them live fully as they are and to afraid to see in their eyes that I had hurt them so many times. My biggest fear was loosing control, to loose their love, to become like my mother, that they one day had had enough and never wanted to see me again.
That week – end I told them, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE! I want you to know that you are FREEDOM ITSELF, YOU ARE HAPPYNESS ITSELF! I do do not want you to take care of me, I am Life itself, and so are you, there is no right or wrong, there is only experiences where you become more and more aware of who you really are if you allow yourself to love your choices, to love yourself unconditional, love your ups and downs because they are, you are Life itself. I do not want you to feel safe, I want you to know that you are safety yourself, I want you to be alive, to know your aliveness by dare to be authentic, honest, open, vulnerable, to no longer fear your own authentic self . I do not want you to be careful, I want you to know and feel that you, we are held by a power far stronger than any bodyguards in the entire world, I do not want you to be ashamed of your feelings, no matter what kind of feelings, I want you to know they are sacred all of them , that you are loved beyond imagination for those feelings, that you are here on earth to feel fully everything. I do not want you to doubt them either, they are diamonds and intuition that is direct conversation to Source, with Source. I want you to fully understand that you are Beauty and Source itself.
I do not want you to believe that your darkest moments are separated and absence of Light and true love, because they happens inside The Light. I do not want you to believe that being yourself in all ways is egoistic and indifferent to other people; I want you to know that it is the absolute opposite of being egoistic and indifferent , when you are yourself fully and love yourself unconditional, you share an enormous gift to humanity that can not hold indifference at all, because in that Light you will see that you are one with all that is and that that love is expressed because you love yourself, others uniqueness is automatically included in that love. You need only to BE YOURSELF not do anything about you, fix you, change or become something you believe is worthy being loved by others.
I do not want you to be nice, polite, that is falseness, I do not want you to say you are sorry when you are honest and true to your heart, I want you be completely clear that that is the reason why you are Here. I do not want you to follow lies or believe in manipulations, because that comes from people who hate, you must understand that they needs to take your NO, to fall and see their own hate , otherwise they will never take responsibility for the energy they sends out. I do not want you to do what ever it takes to stay safe, I want you to unplug my inheritance to you and go for aliveness and know that you are Joy itself, you are Freedom, and you are unconditional Love, You are God, all human experiences and feelings are happening inside what you are and they are holly , and your human life is sacred beyond your imagination, Never be ashamed for what you are, stay with the absolute Knowing, You are God. You are Free and you are not responsible to take care of me anymore. I really mean it, I do not want you to be happy, I want you to know that happiness, joy, Light, Love always is presence even in your darkest moments. That`s why your darkest moments never lasts. And my love for you is unshakable and unchangeable.