SOME YEARS AGO my beloved daughter Alexandra sent me some old photos of my self as a teenager, I was “only” 16 and they all made me remember, it all came back to me again, and the memories hit me hard, sent a deep impact into my heart and body and activated feelings I had never felt before.
I was 16 years old when I decided moved away from home. And I left a house and a childhood for 16 years so filled with enormous brutality, abuse, psychopathy and alcoholism, with experiences so filled with constant fear, panic, that without knowing it, not until many years later I had developed PTSD.
This constant abuse, verbally, emotionally and physically was so unbelievable and unbearable that I automatically denied it all and tried to keep moments I could breathe as it was normal. I was convinced I didn`t deserve to live. In fact I often prayed to God to please take me Home. I was 4 years the first time I hoped my dad could crush my head so I could die.
Looking at those photos made me realize I never saw Her back then the way I saw Her that moment I held those photos in my hands.
Back then I fit into every description of an deeply afraid, insecure, angry Teenager Rebel, I believed nobody saw my ocean deep and profound fear and panic of being Here.
And I didn`t know I continue the abuse by abusing myself by looking for love and fell for the most dysfunctional lovers.
Every time their passion was expressed in way like they wanted me , needed me, loved me and wanted to marry me, I fell deeply in love with them back. I didn`t know I was looking for a father I never had, I didn`t know I found him in every men that wanted me, but it was the abuser I found, it was so familiar that in a very dysfunctional way, it made me feel secure. I believed them every time they turned into Ike Turner and said “I love you so much, I can`t live without you that`s why I beat you.”
I so wanted them to love, I so wanted to be loved and feel safe, so I believed them until I no longer did.
Their abuse was passion and love, They said, the same my mother and father said, “we do this because we love you so much. It is for your own good, they said every time they had beaten me so sever that my blood was dripping on the floor. I could not fathom that they dident love me when that so strongly wanted me, fought for me, never had anyone did that. So for many years I believed it was my fault and that there was something wrong with me. So that someone found me worthy their love, time and money and their loyalty, I allowed the abuse when the impacts of their jealousy was felt on my body, because I believed they would change if I just loved them enough long enough.
I do not do that anymore, I have spend years by diving deep into my own abyss and transformed every cell in my body that was holding everything that wasn’t Divine Love for All That Is. But never have I felt sooo deep Love and a profound need to honor Her until I saw those photos. For the first time Her Presence was and still are very powerful, Her Innocent Energy is my Soul, never have I felt Her Divine Beauty so powerful that it took my breath away, never have I felt Her softness so profound, so strong, never have I seen Her Splendor so clear, Her Beauty is Divine and beyond and She is my God Self. We are not “older” on “the other side”, it is said our eternal age is around 30 ish, and I have always felt and still feel my self as that energy. Her energy at these photos.
I allow myself to share this tonight again, I have been blown away of a profound love for Her I have never felt before and never knew was there. Her enormous love for life, and despite Her enormous fear and choc of being Here She also was capable to feel enormous Joy and Love of being Her and the capacity She was make me feel humble, She was brave beyond words, alone, She hide the terror from the rest of the world and despite Her fears She did it Her way without any support. She was told She was not worthy love, being held or invested in, so She invested in herself by breaking out of Her hostile environment and dangerous Patriarchal rules against young women who dare to be themselves. She never stopped fighting for Her Freedom and the Truth, She never stopped falling in Loving. She never stopped looking for the Light and hoped for the day when True Love would knock on Her door. She never stopped loving no matter what. Period.
She loved fully when She fell in love but always in men that was enormous dysfunctional emotionally. Her pain was deep when She ended the relationships but She was always able to rise again, and She never stayed in them to long, always long enough to learn about Her Self and Her profound Love for Freedom. Her entire Life, men always wanted Her so She had to grow up fast so She could take care and protect Herself. She never lost hope but nobody saw Her enormous sensitivity and Herself believed She was to crazy. She carried lifetimes upon lifetimes of abuse of Women like Her, in Her Heart and body, She knew so much pain but the beauty was always more powerful and profound, She was never able to explain that, She knew nobody was capable to understand Her abilities to see the Raw Beauty and Light in Her darkest moments. I my self was no capable to understand fully, not until I started my own process of awakening fully, I could never share the beauty and magic I saw. Not Until I started fully my own awakening and Self Realization.
She was not able to, She was only 16 but She held an inner life so filled with so much Divine Beauty, Love and Light. She kept it to herself, She only felt safe when She did. For the first time I really saw her; SHE HELD A GRACE SO FORMIDABLE THAT IT COULD GROW WINGS ON CONCRETE. So Tonight I decided to, for ever tribute Her,
I tell Her that I love Her with my entire Heart and tonight I have made Her my Guru, She is my Master. I love Her and I will always bow to Her. She does not need my support, She has always been capable to held herself. She dedicated her Life to Love Itself, Tonight I dedicate my Life to Her. In Her Divine Innocence I Trust. Tonight I claim Her Back into my life and into my Heart , I diden`t know I had separated Her from my self, I didn`t know She has been hidden between Now and Then. Her Wings is The Woman I Am.